run back

i’m going to write you a love letter –
so read closely, put your eyes to the paper,
this is that moment in the video game
where they scream at you to level up.
i’m not screaming, but other things happen,
other things like how much my heart aches,
i think if i told you what i missed, you’d know,
but if i told you what i wanted, you’d be amazed.
i should’ve astonished you with truth,
stopped the typical circus game of emotion,
i wanted to explain it all, i thought i had a grip,
but now i just have nothing.
but i had you, didn’t i? didn’t i bite bullets just
to stay with your silence, our unintended discretion?
it started to hurt me, being wounded and unnoticed,
i am just barely a woman, but proudly too much,
it is something to stand for, but nothing to prove.
look again, i don’t have to prove it, no desire to,
what i have is what i am, but what i feel is –
something different entirely.
my voice doesn’t know how to match thoughts,
inside i am terrified, i am a shaking pistol on the loose,
maybe that’s the story, i bit the bullets i shot myself,
and i never shouted at all, i’m embodied to quiet,
but given there was time and chances to level up,
i wondered why you were so quiet too.
i’m the one who stood a volcano, hardened and
bitter, in a self-made ward, then grown to wisdom,
i am constantly burning or melting or breathing ash,
and here’s the thing, baby, i thought you were the
other volcano paired right next to me, a cosmic miracle?
are you telling me you didn’t feel that fucking spark,
how i was melting, you humming before we crash,
and yes, yes, baby, it was beautiful every single time.
i never had a love like you — i never had a love,
and now i know i should’ve told you, what it is
that means ‘love’, i wanted my skin to bleed under yours,
i wanted you to cover me in sweetness and promises,
and then i wanted you to mean them, but here i am,
and the tables turned and the water’s darker,
the sun’s setting, i’m still drinking my sorrows
tonight until i feel numb enough to not miss you,
and i turned back on my words, that handcrafted safety,
“let me love you when it’s good and run when it hurts.”
but this wrecks and i still fucking love you, so i must be
missing a clue and maybe i already lost,
baby,  i don’t think i know anything yet.
i was afraid the whole time, this is how i feel,
i was worried you already wanted to leave,
i thought you pulled away on purpose,
i think you did, i think you were afraid too.
i thought you didn’t love me, i thought
it wouldn’t be worth saying on my side.
if i’m wrong, it’s fine, it’s a letter,
it’s a god damn poem about you,
another in my list and i counted but
i’m not done yet, what’s the point?
i have an eternal regret to pang my soul,
i have no more words but i’m trying to see
the colors, i’m trying to live without you
and i feel impossibly fooled by logic,
by what was said instead of what wasn’t.
i wish i could kiss you again,
and tell you i want everything that’s possible,
because i don’t give up, because i am
proudly too much, proudly all or nothing,
and in emptiness, i am certainly screaming.

mistaken

today i gave every raindrop a follow-up,
i ask myself so many questions,
so many reasons why my heart crackles,
baby, i think that i’m scared of you,
i think that you control me as i let you,
that i’m always bending over for time,
and i’m always waiting for us to open up,
you move like a hurricane, and i don’t know where to go,
you move like a hurry, and you don’t let me catch up to you,
and you think that i don’t notice you bleeding,
or see choices taken away and hard ones made,
and you think that i don’t notice you hiding,
when the conversation moves under the sleight of your hand,
and you drift along your own pleasures, through truth,
through an open heart and open mind, i can feel
you giving up and it hurts i can’t find you
when i need you, i feel too small and too big for this world,
and my guilty complexity is having high tides,
i feel in the right, but am locked in empathy,
and i’m backed up in fantasies;
i never ask for too much, but i soak up daydreams.
still, i think if i had just one night
with you, i could say all that i want to,
and you could let me in, and i wouldn’t
have to be so wary to love and your promises.

the only question i can’t answer reels in.
if love is real, would i do anything?
sometimes it falls back to the beginning,
and sometimes i love you most in the mornings,
or a future there with you in waking moments,
but other times, i feel like nothing has started,
i don’t know if i can wait and sometimes have you.
it’s the same slow torture that bloomed when i met you,
how it’s taking longer for me to be in your life,
and i wonder if you’ve been hurt, or more afraid
than you’ve let on, or if it’s just a spider’s careful nature.
but i want to be here for you, and not care
how long it might take for you to love me too,
so if it’s about the wait –
and not you pulling away to deal with it alone,
then i can wait two lifetimes and circle
around through time to call you beautiful,
i guess i could wait and sometimes have you,
but would i do anything? would i burn
two thousand cities to black ash to save you?
would i cut my own heart out and bowtie wrap it?
should i stay quiet or plead out this young love?
would you even believe me? would you
laugh and say i’m blinded? i can’t hear it,
but it’s the only thing i couldn’t do for you,
baby, i’m not sure i could ever stop loving you.

when the heat comes

baker, my bones are rotting in vacancy,
i’m cornered to the shade and subdued.
it’s hot out here, sticky and hellish,
i want to jump in, submerged and deep,
i should escape this nothingness wide empty,
this distance and game that i’ve placed
between steps of evolution, you have to crawl,
you have to hurt my knees and play harder,
but i love you and my skin is peeling,
i’m trying to shed this final layer,
i’m trying to show you how disgusting
i want to be with you, sin has our names
booked up eight times in some faraway future.
oh lovely bold one, you’ve been so silent.
i’m flying over doubt straight to truth,
and whether we have it, blossom trust,
i should open up my fucking mouth and
say what i want to, i should feel
out the fire as i go but i love
to kick the sand, chase over sticks
and make my own dreams happen
and ignore how passion could hurt me,
but i am breaking in this space,
in these days between elation only
because you wouldn’t ever bleed for me,
only because i couldn’t possibly ask you to,
even when loneliness suffocates on top,
and i want to run for my life,
run to other freedoms i haven’t found,
run to find out where it is that my
heart has been hiding, which hole’s sinking,
i can’t be a beggar, blinded by mirrors;
and i want to strip until i feel true,
and look on like you’re better than a sunset,
but it’s all in my head, i can’t seem
to get close without burning to the touch,
you never let me in, and things turn to dust,
i become ashes and time never forgotten,
i forget how to move without invisibility,
i tumble over what words make you stay.
oh baker, where is this bread that
i’ve been asked to share? at
the bottom of the oven, the heart at
the bottom of the ocean? have i
drowned it and soaked it with blood?
is love spoiled for the first time?

i don’t see a building, i see a standstill,
i see two forks in the road, and hear no answer,
and my sadness has made me selfish, dreamy,
i always thought love should be a competition,
fight someone for me, because who’s to say
he can’t give me a better love than you can?
you walk away with the torch,
you leave me untouched and i just
want to see you bleed red to make
him lose, i don’t care, feel it;
am i supposed to swallow, to sway,
to swindle at your sweet nothings,
to believe in what i hear like i am new,
like no one has ever lied to me before?
i don’t think you’ve ever crumbled,
or tasted the nightmares i caught,
so let me be the one to jump the gun,
let me because i’ll blow it up first,
i’ll give in to nature as naturally
as i imagine it to out-exist me,
this is that power, this is
as sad as it gets in the love story,
when i lose you and we lose
sight of what should matter,
and all i want us to do
is show the mishaps and beatings,
how i bled first too and i cannot
seem to speak as i mean to,
all i want us to do is live tonight.
this is a time-old tale but
i need you to try and be
something solid and sure of summer’s
mystification and improvisation,
letting me explode this to softening,
just to finally see you,
to beat like a drum of the
same breath, same kiss,
same old sane song of tendency,
of tenderly touches and time stilled,
it’s a miracle to wish some exposure,
i need you to try to be here,
to want me to bloom and spread wings,
and you have to know i am never cruel,
i’m only pained by promises of the past,
sweat stains under the warm evening rain,
i walk through this wondering where you are.

rara avis

Listen to a silence for once, and
even if I can’t hear the scattered noise,
you don’t know what I’m feeling.
I’ve waited so long just to wander,
Joni croons through my headphones
and I become miserable on a highway
all because I miss the scent of him.
I am a crazy woman that jumps through hoops.
I am the lightning bolt that goes unheard,
that strikes from that dark cloud in the night,
far off into unknown distances, corn fields quiet,
and nobody else tries to figure out this crazy life
that takes me through fire and melancholy and
overrunning thoughts and cosmic chances.
On soulful Sundays I would simmer in fantasy,
in my dreams I’ve been to so many places,
yet not the deserts, or the bluest oceans,
the white-capped mountains or old architecture,
the things I couldn’t imagine until I go;
wanderlust withers away at my bones.
But this is a different time, and meeting him
was only ever real, tangent, and radiant;
on every other day of the week, I lose
my head and my heart through the hours,
he has spoiled me with pure joyfulness,
and I fall to fondness and euphoria,
and here’s the insanity: I don’t want to leave.
I found a home in his arms, and a wave and
a shiver in his touch, a wind of powerful emotion,
and Palermo and backpacks and vineyards
all fade to this curse, this gift of desire and growing
old with someone, the man is my eighth world wonder.
It doesn’t matter if he is my first or my last,
but I wish I had the courage to just say love,
I wish his lion hearted name, busted red surefire,
would help lead the way to free my own soul
and let it fly through the sky, to see clearer with
someone beside you, to serenade softly so as to soar,
to sift through sufferings and stay standing.
I’m trying to be a better woman, a sure thing,
assure the power and raise the prideful banners,
convince the rook that I would never go backwards,
that I know what I’m doing, that it’s possible
to build a home in something alive without risk,
someone walking, talking, spontaneous and settled,
that you can change the key halfway through the song
and still be alright, still be the same and creational,
and I can have this without fear trying to sneak in,
without the old hatred whispering worthlessness.
There’s jokes out of his mouth and a freak imagination,
there’s my old original laugh, one-two-ha’s, breaking the quiet,
and my eyes will latch onto this scene with fascination,
whether or not he stays or life breaks us somehow,
or it heals us with its absurdity and madness.
Here I am running with consideration and just like
a good dream that you can’t remember when you wake up,
hope trickles with reserves; it sinks itself into the deepest scars
and lets you finally admire them for what they are worth,
I roll over a new box of time, a separate before and after,
one of possibility with him and more time in it, the beauteous and bold
that we’ve exposed to each other, this is why it feels like shelter.
Listen to a silence for once, and tell me, is this a young woman
renewed, or overtaken by emotion? Am I just another fool
in love, influenced by cosmic or alien spells, and if so,
the arrow must hurt at some point, or so they’ve warned me,
but I’ve only been on a discovery for new depths within,
and I could be someone who has freed love or a broken one,
but I had already leaped before certainty, before I knew danger,
and if you knew what I felt I have not touched the ground yet.

time is an instinct

are we animals at night,
and lovers in the day?
do we bite because we’re starving
or because we know we belong to hunger?
would we hide by the treeline to protect ourselves
or are we just too proud to share?

this is not a hurricane or something
that needs a fast remedy, it’s
not an ache i understand but
it’s not always a pain to desire,
to dare and to fight, and to live.

and here i want to live with you,
i could let all my years float by,
i could dream about you over a thousand
times, i could sink into a mudbath
of hope for the future just so long
as you’re there with me, and give
me all those kisses, my lips tremble
every time, and i’m waiting for
some dam to break, i’ve wanted
to howl ‘i love you’ a few times
already, in the worst moments,
or when the stars dared to shine
that bright or how i smell you and get
that peace for a moment, there’s a reason
you know what i long for, and if
i’m the wolf like i pretend, i know you’re the
spider all along, we fit like so many
mystical things and meanings, i can feel
you without words, your emotions,
your eyes closing against mine,
there’s almost nothing that needs to be said.

i want your bed, your heart and
your babies. your fire, your calm,
your sweet words still run me crazy,
your imagination, your little obsessions
and quick movements, your kindness
that i witness, your adventure and
perspective, your dreads when they
tickle my neck, i want your
tongue by my ear, myself in
your lap, and your touch, baby,
and we haven’t seen the best yet,
but we move like we’ve known each other,
ever since the first time and
there is no one that compares for me,
no one else i could claim to truly love
with my deep fire, here i am,
still sinking as i try not to profess this.

i want your love and to grow old
with you, and i’m not too proud
to say i’m an animal who knows
when she’s met her mate, it’s lightning
out of nowhere, calm’s free heart calling,
where we came from or who we were
or where i’ve been means nothing,
where i go with you, where we
run for the hills under a full moon
or make it across the river,
the seed needs the water
and we mean everything.

awakening

i love the shine on the water,
that the seasons change and the
water’s always moving – a rapid
rush or a glacial glow on top, how
it shines so much it blinds with white,
and it’s all so beautiful, baby, i wish
you were sitting next to me now,
i wish the trees were starting to bloom,
i want the green and the bright
and the shimmering, the skin,
the hardened mud, i want a trail
to be only ours, make our own way,
but that would be forcing it, unnatural
and predisposed if all i need is
to wait, to breathe patiently –
i already feel so much more alive,
i practice temper because i found
a cliff that bruised me that i
could have avoided, i feel completer
without the past being shameful,
i stole time to figure out what i deserved,
even when i itch for bigger adventures,
a broader journey or a good story to
tell, i make the best of what’s
been offered, i can watch this river
flow and touch serenity for seconds,
and it’s true that i feel better
with you, baby, but i am proud
i am no longer empty, or drowning
in this world’s sadness, to know
that i can stand for myself and tell
that sarcastic joke, i like to bring
out the joy for all the ugly my
mouth has spoken, for the tears
i dropped in complaint, i am better
than that girl who tried to die at 16,
i am older than the roots of my nature,
i am spreading out to different planes
and i’d like to take you with me –
i’d like to leave flowers unstepped on
but sometimes it’s hard to avoid,
i’d like my dreams to have a better
ending, but nothing’s ever planned,
all this day knows is itself and
now it’s all i know too.

tomorrow has no question

i’m getting stoned in it,
a happiness haze,
a hazel highway to drive by with my headphones,
i like to keep it contained in my car,
let the smoke blind me to –
the rest of the world matters more and less,
every matter is broader and wiser,
you matter more than less,
your matter is taking up my brain with space,
let’s talk about space again,
you move and i watch,
we move and i forget,
when the space is gone,
so is my breath,
and i’m not falling, i’m tethered to earth,
i’m grounded and that’s that talk about gravitational waves,
it comes in waves like the hit comes in a blunt,
it comes in waves like we inch closer and closer
through time, let time takes its own times,
people do the same all the time,
people like to look and wonder just like you and i,
people can wonder about you and i, it matters less,
i’ve never felt so warm and important even when
nothing’s really different, it’s just having you there,
it’s the side by side, it’s the matches and how it’s
burning so kindly, it’s that slow fucking burn, baby,
how it stays so hot in my heart even when it’s further,
it’s how it’s taking courage to not let it explode too much,
i’m staying away from ‘love’ but i’m diving into it, i know you
don’t like the water but i’d be swimming to save you,
we’d have to leave the car first, let the smoke out,
and i don’t know why i had doubt come without a permit,
why i thought you were pulling away in the cold,
but it’s the fear, isn’t it? it’s my shaking shoulders
and your teeth grinding, it’s the way i don’t say enough sometimes,
or how you say a lot at once to avoid saying much at all,
i’ve never been wanted this way before, never good and thoughtful,
it’s the way you hesitate before you talk about the past,
it’s the way you reveal i’m beautiful or something kind,
no one wants to scare the other too much, we don’t
want to leave the adventure to go into a house of problems,
i suppose it matters so fucking much, doesn’t it?
so we can just both be idiots together, as long as it’s
together i’d want to go anywhere with you,
i guess it’ll take more courage to let it explode,
to let it break me and heal me in one breath,
i guess there are some laws made to be broken
like sense is made to be broken because it makes
no sense, i’m enamored to night and day because
of their natural beauty, then your eyes met mine and
i’m enamored by how naturally beautiful you really are,
i want to hold the flame gently and tend to it softly,
i want to speak a spirit’s rhyme and sing integrity,
i want to lift us both up without needing wings,
i want these good memories with you forever,
tell me how that’s not terrifying, baby, i’m losing control
of the strings on my heart, slipping from the water,
i don’t care if i replace a logical notion with something better,
if you’re more afraid than i am, if you don’t trust what’s there
and i don’t trust what isn’t, and if i don’t know, then i can’t explain,
and if i love you, then i can’t lie to you, and if you want me,
then you can take what you give to me, and if you miss me,
then i’ll come running to you, and if we’re promising this,
then it will either be honored and fulfilled, or dismissed and bruised,
and if it breaks someone’s heart, then it must have been good,
and if it suddenly matters now, then the later doesn’t really have to,
and if it doesn’t, then god, that’d be some kind of living, wouldn’t it?