so we’re in this place, right? and jimmy talks about that one girl who checked out of chances too fast, and he remarks on heavy rain like she’s in a cloud following him and it both is ardent and terrifying, and then tara goes and tells him: “you know, you’re only holding on to what you think you have to.” so the whole room doesn’t say it, but we know she’s running from something.

so basically it’s a room full of broken hearts, trying to determine how the time will go. so all of this thinking reminds me of you, and it takes me back to my mother’s failed attempt to give it everything she had, and her heart she left in another country, and how i told her, “i swear, girls like us just can’t afford love.” and how it terrifies me and my melancholy if i end up being right.

but back to the story of hopelessness, how some of us were on the way to being homeless. some wrapped up in white, some wrapped up in legs, either way, it didn’t really matter. as long as someone was there to hold your shaking hand, bliss.

i’ll tell you about a girl i used to know: she had something rough and wild alive in her twining, bright hair-strands. she was a new melody everyday, and she read my words with the same pain i wrote my loneliness about. she hit my heart with things that i tried so hard to find.

so now you have the background info. there’s a free party on new year’s eve, and shoulders and body heat every corner, you can imagine my lack of surprise when i give it up too easy, half in my mind, the other half in a dark pit of madness, and i don’t remember if it was good but she’s sleeping with someone too. so i find jimmy drinking good sorrows and decide to join him, lose myself more.

i’d do it all again. they’re hitting it off the park, so i let it be. i’ll never know where life will take me, i’m waiting on reality or trying to, my hardest challenge.

i turn to jimmy one last time: “i think i have a cloud too.”


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