absolve

so let’s grow up, let’s forgive the things
               that happen to us.
                you know what? i wanted –
                i wanted to put my life in
                              danger on accident, i wanted
                              to walk up to the edge and
                              be lost in the beauty of the
                              water, of waves crashing,
               but god, they still crush and crash, i’m
               hit with the force of it, the wet hurt of it,
– i don’t love myself.
    i don’t hide myself.
one is worse, one i
blame when i shouldn’t.

let’s go to the lakeside and i’ll
show you all the ways i’m
old and young, and someone
says, “how can someone like that
no longer want anything?”

have i given up?
             is that it?
             you think i haven’t placed a
                              value on my pain? i’d
                              still go for a swim in
                              december, but tell me,
              how is that not living?

i’m close to forgiving;
              that could be more, that could heal,
              that could be better than the
              hand i wanted to lead the way,
              then i’ll be able to close
              a long-time-open-door of hate,
it might even feel good, but
it might just change the hurt.

change is still rebirth,
              my heart singing, sky’s colors,
              the world hasn’t even heard
              my howl, but i’m finding
              there’s still plenty to say.

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