when the heat comes

baker, my bones are rotting in vacancy,
i’m cornered to the shade and subdued.
it’s hot out here, sticky and hellish,
i want to jump in, submerged and deep,
i should escape this nothingness wide empty,
this distance and game that i’ve placed
between steps of evolution, you have to crawl,
you have to hurt my knees and play harder,
but i love you and my skin is peeling,
i’m trying to shed this final layer,
i’m trying to show you how disgusting
i want to be with you, sin has our names
booked up eight times in some faraway future.
oh lovely bold one, you’ve been so silent.
i’m flying over doubt straight to truth,
and whether we have it, blossom trust,
i should open up my fucking mouth and
say what i want to, i should feel
out the fire as i go but i love
to kick the sand, chase over sticks
and make my own dreams happen
and ignore how passion could hurt me,
but i am breaking in this space,
in these days between elation only
because you wouldn’t ever bleed for me,
only because i couldn’t possibly ask you to,
even when loneliness suffocates on top,
and i want to run for my life,
run to other freedoms i haven’t found,
run to find out where it is that my
heart has been hiding, which hole’s sinking,
i can’t be a beggar, blinded by mirrors;
and i want to strip until i feel true,
and look on like you’re better than a sunset,
but it’s all in my head, i can’t seem
to get close without burning to the touch,
you never let me in, and things turn to dust,
i become ashes and time never forgotten,
i forget how to move without invisibility,
i tumble over what words make you stay.
oh baker, where is this bread that
i’ve been asked to share? at
the bottom of the oven, the heart at
the bottom of the ocean? have i
drowned it and soaked it with blood?
is love spoiled for the first time?

i don’t see a building, i see a standstill,
i see two forks in the road, and hear no answer,
and my sadness has made me selfish, dreamy,
i always thought love should be a competition,
fight someone for me, because who’s to say
he can’t give me a better love than you can?
you walk away with the torch,
you leave me untouched and i just
want to see you bleed red to make
him lose, i don’t care, feel it;
am i supposed to swallow, to sway,
to swindle at your sweet nothings,
to believe in what i hear like i am new,
like no one has ever lied to me before?
i don’t think you’ve ever crumbled,
or tasted the nightmares i caught,
so let me be the one to jump the gun,
let me because i’ll blow it up first,
i’ll give in to nature as naturally
as i imagine it to out-exist me,
this is that power, this is
as sad as it gets in the love story,
when i lose you and we lose
sight of what should matter,
and all i want us to do
is show the mishaps and beatings,
how i bled first too and i cannot
seem to speak as i mean to,
all i want us to do is live tonight.
this is a time-old tale but
i need you to try and be
something solid and sure of summer’s
mystification and improvisation,
letting me explode this to softening,
just to finally see you,
to beat like a drum of the
same breath, same kiss,
same old sane song of tendency,
of tenderly touches and time stilled,
it’s a miracle to wish some exposure,
i need you to try to be here,
to want me to bloom and spread wings,
and you have to know i am never cruel,
i’m only pained by promises of the past,
sweat stains under the warm evening rain,
i walk through this wondering where you are.

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