when the heat comes

baker, my bones are rotting in vacancy,
i’m cornered to the shade and subdued.
it’s hot out here, sticky and hellish,
i want to jump in, submerged and deep,
i should escape this nothingness wide empty,
this distance and game that i’ve placed
between steps of evolution, you have to crawl,
you have to hurt my knees and play harder,
but i love you and my skin is peeling,
i’m trying to shed this final layer,
i’m trying to show you how disgusting
i want to be with you, sin has our names
booked up eight times in some faraway future.
oh lovely bold one, you’ve been so silent.
i’m flying over doubt straight to truth,
and whether we have it, blossom trust,
i should open up my fucking mouth and
say what i want to, i should feel
out the fire as i go but i love
to kick the sand, chase over sticks
and make my own dreams happen
and ignore how passion could hurt me,
but i am breaking in this space,
in these days between elation only
because you wouldn’t ever bleed for me,
only because i couldn’t possibly ask you to,
even when loneliness suffocates on top,
and i want to run for my life,
run to other freedoms i haven’t found,
run to find out where it is that my
heart has been hiding, which hole’s sinking,
i can’t be a beggar, blinded by mirrors;
and i want to strip until i feel true,
and look on like you’re better than a sunset,
but it’s all in my head, i can’t seem
to get close without burning to the touch,
you never let me in, and things turn to dust,
i become ashes and time never forgotten,
i forget how to move without invisibility,
i tumble over what words make you stay.
oh baker, where is this bread that
i’ve been asked to share? at
the bottom of the oven, the heart at
the bottom of the ocean? have i
drowned it and soaked it with blood?
is love spoiled for the first time?

i don’t see a building, i see a standstill,
i see two forks in the road, and hear no answer,
and my sadness has made me selfish, dreamy,
i always thought love should be a competition,
fight someone for me, because who’s to say
he can’t give me a better love than you can?
you walk away with the torch,
you leave me untouched and i just
want to see you bleed red to make
him lose, i don’t care, feel it;
am i supposed to swallow, to sway,
to swindle at your sweet nothings,
to believe in what i hear like i am new,
like no one has ever lied to me before?
i don’t think you’ve ever crumbled,
or tasted the nightmares i caught,
so let me be the one to jump the gun,
let me because i’ll blow it up first,
i’ll give in to nature as naturally
as i imagine it to out-exist me,
this is that power, this is
as sad as it gets in the love story,
when i lose you and we lose
sight of what should matter,
and all i want us to do
is show the mishaps and beatings,
how i bled first too and i cannot
seem to speak as i mean to,
all i want us to do is live tonight.
this is a time-old tale but
i need you to try and be
something solid and sure of summer’s
mystification and improvisation,
letting me explode this to softening,
just to finally see you,
to beat like a drum of the
same breath, same kiss,
same old sane song of tendency,
of tenderly touches and time stilled,
it’s a miracle to wish some exposure,
i need you to try to be here,
to want me to bloom and spread wings,
and you have to know i am never cruel,
i’m only pained by promises of the past,
sweat stains under the warm evening rain,
i walk through this wondering where you are.

rara avis

Listen to a silence for once, and
even if I can’t hear the scattered noise,
you don’t know what I’m feeling.
I’ve waited so long just to wander,
Joni croons through my headphones
and I become miserable on a highway
all because I miss the scent of him.
I am a crazy woman that jumps through hoops.
I am the lightning bolt that goes unheard,
that strikes from that dark cloud in the night,
far off into unknown distances, corn fields quiet,
and nobody else tries to figure out this crazy life
that takes me through fire and melancholy and
overrunning thoughts and cosmic chances.
On soulful Sundays I would simmer in fantasy,
in my dreams I’ve been to so many places,
yet not the deserts, or the bluest oceans,
the white-capped mountains or old architecture,
the things I couldn’t imagine until I go;
wanderlust withers away at my bones.
But this is a different time, and meeting him
was only ever real, tangent, and radiant;
on every other day of the week, I lose
my head and my heart through the hours,
he has spoiled me with pure joyfulness,
and I fall to fondness and euphoria,
and here’s the insanity: I don’t want to leave.
I found a home in his arms, and a wave and
a shiver in his touch, a wind of powerful emotion,
and Palermo and backpacks and vineyards
all fade to this curse, this gift of desire and growing
old with someone, the man is my eighth world wonder.
It doesn’t matter if he is my first or my last,
but I wish I had the courage to just say love,
I wish his lion hearted name, busted red surefire,
would help lead the way to free my own soul
and let it fly through the sky, to see clearer with
someone beside you, to serenade softly so as to soar,
to sift through sufferings and stay standing.
I’m trying to be a better woman, a sure thing,
assure the power and raise the prideful banners,
convince the rook that I would never go backwards,
that I know what I’m doing, that it’s possible
to build a home in something alive without risk,
someone walking, talking, spontaneous and settled,
that you can change the key halfway through the song
and still be alright, still be the same and creational,
and I can have this without fear trying to sneak in,
without the old hatred whispering worthlessness.
There’s jokes out of his mouth and a freak imagination,
there’s my old original laugh, one-two-ha’s, breaking the quiet,
and my eyes will latch onto this scene with fascination,
whether or not he stays or life breaks us somehow,
or it heals us with its absurdity and madness.
Here I am running with consideration and just like
a good dream that you can’t remember when you wake up,
hope trickles with reserves; it sinks itself into the deepest scars
and lets you finally admire them for what they are worth,
I roll over a new box of time, a separate before and after,
one of possibility with him and more time in it, the beauteous and bold
that we’ve exposed to each other, this is why it feels like shelter.
Listen to a silence for once, and tell me, is this a young woman
renewed, or overtaken by emotion? Am I just another fool
in love, influenced by cosmic or alien spells, and if so,
the arrow must hurt at some point, or so they’ve warned me,
but I’ve only been on a discovery for new depths within,
and I could be someone who has freed love or a broken one,
but I had already leaped before certainty, before I knew danger,
and if you knew what I felt I have not touched the ground yet.

time is an instinct

are we animals at night,
and lovers in the day?
do we bite because we’re starving
or because we know we belong to hunger?
would we hide by the treeline to protect ourselves
or are we just too proud to share?

this is not a hurricane or something
that needs a fast remedy, it’s
not an ache i understand but
it’s not always a pain to desire,
to dare and to fight, and to live.

and here i want to live with you,
i could let all my years float by,
i could dream about you over a thousand
times, i could sink into a mudbath
of hope for the future just so long
as you’re there with me, and give
me all those kisses, my lips tremble
every time, and i’m waiting for
some dam to break, i’ve wanted
to howl ‘i love you’ a few times
already, in the worst moments,
or when the stars dared to shine
that bright or how i smell you and get
that peace for a moment, there’s a reason
you know what i long for, and if
i’m the wolf like i pretend, i know you’re the
spider all along, we fit like so many
mystical things and meanings, i can feel
you without words, your emotions,
your eyes closing against mine,
there’s almost nothing that needs to be said.

i want your bed, your heart and
your babies. your fire, your calm,
your sweet words still run me crazy,
your imagination, your little obsessions
and quick movements, your kindness
that i witness, your adventure and
perspective, your dreads when they
tickle my neck, i want your
tongue by my ear, myself in
your lap, and your touch, baby,
and we haven’t seen the best yet,
but we move like we’ve known each other,
ever since the first time and
there is no one that compares for me,
no one else i could claim to truly love
with my deep fire, here i am,
still sinking as i try not to profess this.

i want your love and to grow old
with you, and i’m not too proud
to say i’m an animal who knows
when she’s met her mate, it’s lightning
out of nowhere, calm’s free heart calling,
where we came from or who we were
or where i’ve been means nothing,
where i go with you, where we
run for the hills under a full moon
or make it across the river,
the seed needs the water
and we mean everything.

awakening

i love the shine on the water,
that the seasons change and the
water’s always moving – a rapid
rush or a glacial glow on top, how
it shines so much it blinds with white,
and it’s all so beautiful, baby, i wish
you were sitting next to me now,
i wish the trees were starting to bloom,
i want the green and the bright
and the shimmering, the skin,
the hardened mud, i want a trail
to be only ours, make our own way,
but that would be forcing it, unnatural
and predisposed if all i need is
to wait, to breathe patiently –
i already feel so much more alive,
i practice temper because i found
a cliff that bruised me that i
could have avoided, i feel completer
without the past being shameful,
i stole time to figure out what i deserved,
even when i itch for bigger adventures,
a broader journey or a good story to
tell, i make the best of what’s
been offered, i can watch this river
flow and touch serenity for seconds,
and it’s true that i feel better
with you, baby, but i am proud
i am no longer empty, or drowning
in this world’s sadness, to know
that i can stand for myself and tell
that sarcastic joke, i like to bring
out the joy for all the ugly my
mouth has spoken, for the tears
i dropped in complaint, i am better
than that girl who tried to die at 16,
i am older than the roots of my nature,
i am spreading out to different planes
and i’d like to take you with me –
i’d like to leave flowers unstepped on
but sometimes it’s hard to avoid,
i’d like my dreams to have a better
ending, but nothing’s ever planned,
all this day knows is itself and
now it’s all i know too.

tomorrow has no question

i’m getting stoned in it,
a happiness haze,
a hazel highway to drive by with my headphones,
i like to keep it contained in my car,
let the smoke blind me to –
the rest of the world matters more and less,
every matter is broader and wiser,
you matter more than less,
your matter is taking up my brain with space,
let’s talk about space again,
you move and i watch,
we move and i forget,
when the space is gone,
so is my breath,
and i’m not falling, i’m tethered to earth,
i’m grounded and that’s that talk about gravitational waves,
it comes in waves like the hit comes in a blunt,
it comes in waves like we inch closer and closer
through time, let time takes its own times,
people do the same all the time,
people like to look and wonder just like you and i,
people can wonder about you and i, it matters less,
i’ve never felt so warm and important even when
nothing’s really different, it’s just having you there,
it’s the side by side, it’s the matches and how it’s
burning so kindly, it’s that slow fucking burn, baby,
how it stays so hot in my heart even when it’s further,
it’s how it’s taking courage to not let it explode too much,
i’m staying away from ‘love’ but i’m diving into it, i know you
don’t like the water but i’d be swimming to save you,
we’d have to leave the car first, let the smoke out,
and i don’t know why i had doubt come without a permit,
why i thought you were pulling away in the cold,
but it’s the fear, isn’t it? it’s my shaking shoulders
and your teeth grinding, it’s the way i don’t say enough sometimes,
or how you say a lot at once to avoid saying much at all,
i’ve never been wanted this way before, never good and thoughtful,
it’s the way you hesitate before you talk about the past,
it’s the way you reveal i’m beautiful or something kind,
no one wants to scare the other too much, we don’t
want to leave the adventure to go into a house of problems,
i suppose it matters so fucking much, doesn’t it?
so we can just both be idiots together, as long as it’s
together i’d want to go anywhere with you,
i guess it’ll take more courage to let it explode,
to let it break me and heal me in one breath,
i guess there are some laws made to be broken
like sense is made to be broken because it makes
no sense, i’m enamored to night and day because
of their natural beauty, then your eyes met mine and
i’m enamored by how naturally beautiful you really are,
i want to hold the flame gently and tend to it softly,
i want to speak a spirit’s rhyme and sing integrity,
i want to lift us both up without needing wings,
i want these good memories with you forever,
tell me how that’s not terrifying, baby, i’m losing control
of the strings on my heart, slipping from the water,
i don’t care if i replace a logical notion with something better,
if you’re more afraid than i am, if you don’t trust what’s there
and i don’t trust what isn’t, and if i don’t know, then i can’t explain,
and if i love you, then i can’t lie to you, and if you want me,
then you can take what you give to me, and if you miss me,
then i’ll come running to you, and if we’re promising this,
then it will either be honored and fulfilled, or dismissed and bruised,
and if it breaks someone’s heart, then it must have been good,
and if it suddenly matters now, then the later doesn’t really have to,
and if it doesn’t, then god, that’d be some kind of living, wouldn’t it?

lucid

ok so it’s not all rainbows and butterflies,
i often doubt the little details, i don’t trust your
words too much, but the actions, or the things
you remember, the little things you always notice,
i always try to think it’s the only thing that shows it,
ok so maybe i like to think i’m breaking my own heart
somehow, like you’re lying, or your distance sometimes,
the promises you don’t always keep, i don’t know, i don’t know,
baby, it’s starting to feel a little risky, like i can’t see anything else,
i’ve never been so blinded and i still am, oh god, see,
i don’t know, because you’re the most beautiful man
i’ve ever seen, i’m sorry but it’s fucking true,
i was there the whole time looking and dreaming,
and when dreams come true it’s suddenly euphoric,
but i don’t know why, i don’t, it’s startling, unexpected,
it’s because i think you don’t want to stick around,
and it’s the worst thought to have, maybe i’m insane,
because honey, every time i’m with you, i feel
lighter than air, like something’s soaring through the sky,
the Perseid meteor shower, the push of Anteros calling,
and every time you touch me, i feel
like my blood’s on fire, like a wolf wants to howl at long last,
like i couldn’t turn to anything better than this,
and i know it’s been three weeks and i feel like a fool
because i talked everyone’s ear off about you,
and i don’t think you’ve said a word to another soul,
and i don’t think you think the same way i do,
the future is pointed and planned but nothing in the now,
i know we’ve said the little things and kept our hearts open,
i know you’ve bared it and i have too, and the conversations too,
but’s it’s still hot and burning and i’m so fucking sensitive,
so fucking fragile, i’ve been waiting for a love my whole life,
and it’s how i wonder what you do when i’m not with you for
a day, i wish i could fall asleep in your arms, i wish i could
let living not hurt me, or be able to trust easy,
but it’s not true, i couldn’t now and then, i couldn’t now,
especially because i know it matters too much,
that’s why it’s a risk, baby, i – i’ll take it, i will,
and i’ll give and give and give, i’ll bleed and incinerate
the marks you leave on my soul in front of you,
i’ll slow it down, i’ll pluck it one string at a time,
let it echo itself out, i’ll hold the note a second longer,
i can feel it up, i can float sometimes, sure is better
than nothing, sure is what i said about time building
and burning its own bridges on occasion, no matter,
no black hole, no supernova, just keep it casual and fun,
you can be four miles away and i could still
hear you howl back, i’d know where you’re bleeding too,
ok, so people come along with their baggage,
i suppose there’s plenty i have not said to you,
just like you haven’t to me, i guess the past hides itself,
tucks away like a vampire in the alleyway shadow,
only going for the kill at the worst time in the present possible,
i guess history repeats itself, makes up its own game
in the mind to pull you into a maze of circles, fall into the
same patterns, the same structure built for destruction,
so easy to do, to feel like you’re flying when you’re falling
in some deep unknown of love, ok, so it’s kind of love,
i still want to burn up and set myself on flames and be
born again with you, be a phoenix just for a day,
hear you’re falling the same way i am,
seeing even when dreams come true, there’s more dreams
to come and i can’t stop wanting everything, i’m selfish
sometimes, i’m craving your attention, it’s obvious,
it’s like the goddamn blush on my cheeks, it’s like
the way i catch you staring and duck my head down,
i don’t know what the fuck is happening, i don’t know,
but baby, if it isn’t the finest heat i’d ever felt,
if it isn’t worth the lightning and rain and aftershocks.

light

and my phone tells me it’s 13 degrees
hotter outside than the day before,
it’s moving up to spring from the winter,
but you have me shivering, freezing,
still thinking last night in your arms
was warmer than i’d ever been before,
i don’t know how it’s possible,
i don’t know how you make me laugh
all the damn time, i’m flooded with a joy,
it’s precious, and i’m trying to be gentle,
i’m trying to let weights go and float on my own,
but i still felt so cold today without you,
even my body was wondering where you were,
and i could still smell you, all over me and my coat,
driving home the whole way with a smile and silence,
and i know i’ve been feeling a whole lot of love songs,
i’m always singing a painful tune or the cheesy ones,
but there’s still nothing that could describe this to me,
it’s how you fit with me, our bodies, it’s how our heads
want to match up, it’s how we talk and laugh like breathing,
it seems so impossible to find something so wonderful
and i won’t leave, my brain is insane with want and touch,
and that other feeling i haven’t found a name for,
i don’t have to, the cold, the silence, the way
i suddenly think about nothing but you all the time,
it had me thinking you’re the only warmth i’ve touched,
i won’t tell you i won’t be too bare-hearted,
but you’re the only one who’s ever really touched me
with something peaceful, never taken without giving back,
i feel like the wind is knocked out of me sometimes,
i get these waves of emotion that have me too happy,
it’s terrifying all at once, i want it all so much at once,
we should dance someday, play a chess game,
talk some more about space and theories,
i can have my disorganized facts and you can have your
spider knowledge, we could split up a bottle of wine
and show each other’s crazies, make love on a bed one day,
i believe in it, i’m even more patient than you think,
and it’s nice when our lips touch, and then when i’m alone,
sometimes it’s like a battle all over again,
i want to tell my head i know nothing about love at all,
even if that’s true, you keep telling me all about it
in a way i didn’t know until i met you, and good god,
i don’t know what led me to you but
you have me burning a pyre of my sadness,
i’m good at the intense stuff, the rawness,
but in this, in us, peace of mind i’ve been led to,
something pure and worthy to share,
sometimes it’s like,
nothing’s a battle at all,
you can keep giving me tenderness,
you can wash me ashore and back again,
i’m muffled and low but i couldn’t stop.