burdens of a long-standing crush

i have heard this tale before:
the fantasy is more piquant,
it’s better to be tempted and resist
than to be disappointed and lose.
i am resilient in this resistance.

i can forget about you when you’re not there.
i can put the hands, the smile, the consequences
behind me most of the week, the time, the weak.
but i think about a night like tonight.
i could be less fucking clumsy but too late.

i got stuck in your car, and you laughed,
“looks like you’re not leaving at all.”
and i wished it was true, i couldn’t believe
fishing hook caught onto the seatbelt.
it was like you caught me, the fish.
the bird, the wolf, whoever i am.

i wished your hands were even closer
when i looked down on them, i was hot,
you don’t ever seem to know this,
but it’s my best kept secret, most of the
time i can keep it under control, the wanting.

but tonight i can’t deny i denied a fox,
i wanted to play a game, to flirt boldly,
but my smaller hands don’t work as well
whenever i’m caught in moments like this
and i’m hiding smiles behind your back…
and it was the first time, after you freed me,
that i was both guilty and appreciative.

and for a moment, i wished something was real,
i wished that somehow you knew the truth.
but the better part of me knew i wouldn’t say it.
being brave in the past has costed me,
it’s like jumping and diving at the last second,
and hoping it turns out for the best even if it won’t.

i know there are people who think i am a person
who could have anyone i wanted to, but it’s just
not true, it never has been, i never defined beauty,
i am the champion of making the first move,
and it never happens the other way around,
i take what i want when i want to, but you are
the slow ache i haven’t had in a long time,
just like i haven’t had anybody in a longer time.

so i will have to wait. for you to speak,
for you to touch me, for you to ask me.
i am compelled to wait because this is
a spell that i don’t want to undo or ruin,
a fantasy that i am too afraid to lose.

i don’t know the real you and i don’t know
what you really think about me, and you
always joke that it’s me and the other guy, and
i don’t know if you’re looking close enough,
and i don’t ever talk about it, it would be
a plea to my naiveté, guilty, as always,
a plea to seduction, guilty as always.

it doesn’t matter, at night i will lie in bed
and think about you, maybe you’re
teaching me how to fish or hunt,
and maybe in imagination there is
not a sign of repercussions or heartbreak,
you remain, as always, the man of my dreams.



ok so it’s not all rainbows and butterflies,
i often doubt the little details, i don’t trust your
words too much, but the actions, or the things
you remember, the little things you always notice,
i always try to think it’s the only thing that shows it,
ok so maybe i like to think i’m breaking my own heart
somehow, like you’re lying, or your distance sometimes,
the promises you don’t always keep, i don’t know, i don’t know,
baby, it’s starting to feel a little risky, like i can’t see anything else,
i’ve never been so blinded and i still am, oh god, see,
i don’t know, because you’re the most beautiful man
i’ve ever seen, i’m sorry but it’s fucking true,
i was there the whole time looking and dreaming,
and when dreams come true it’s suddenly euphoric,
but i don’t know why, i don’t, it’s startling, unexpected,
it’s because i think you don’t want to stick around,
and it’s the worst thought to have, maybe i’m insane,
because honey, every time i’m with you, i feel
lighter than air, like something’s soaring through the sky,
the Perseid meteor shower, the push of Anteros calling,
and every time you touch me, i feel
like my blood’s on fire, like a wolf wants to howl at long last,
like i couldn’t turn to anything better than this,
and i know it’s been three weeks and i feel like a fool
because i talked everyone’s ear off about you,
and i don’t think you’ve said a word to another soul,
and i don’t think you think the same way i do,
the future is pointed and planned but nothing in the now,
i know we’ve said the little things and kept our hearts open,
i know you’ve bared it and i have too, and the conversations too,
but’s it’s still hot and burning and i’m so fucking sensitive,
so fucking fragile, i’ve been waiting for a love my whole life,
and it’s how i wonder what you do when i’m not with you for
a day, i wish i could fall asleep in your arms, i wish i could
let living not hurt me, or be able to trust easy,
but it’s not true, i couldn’t now and then, i couldn’t now,
especially because i know it matters too much,
that’s why it’s a risk, baby, i – i’ll take it, i will,
and i’ll give and give and give, i’ll bleed and incinerate
the marks you leave on my soul in front of you,
i’ll slow it down, i’ll pluck it one string at a time,
let it echo itself out, i’ll hold the note a second longer,
i can feel it up, i can float sometimes, sure is better
than nothing, sure is what i said about time building
and burning its own bridges on occasion, no matter,
no black hole, no supernova, just keep it casual and fun,
you can be four miles away and i could still
hear you howl back, i’d know where you’re bleeding too,
ok, so people come along with their baggage,
i suppose there’s plenty i have not said to you,
just like you haven’t to me, i guess the past hides itself,
tucks away like a vampire in the alleyway shadow,
only going for the kill at the worst time in the present possible,
i guess history repeats itself, makes up its own game
in the mind to pull you into a maze of circles, fall into the
same patterns, the same structure built for destruction,
so easy to do, to feel like you’re flying when you’re falling
in some deep unknown of love, ok, so it’s kind of love,
i still want to burn up and set myself on flames and be
born again with you, be a phoenix just for a day,
hear you’re falling the same way i am,
seeing even when dreams come true, there’s more dreams
to come and i can’t stop wanting everything, i’m selfish
sometimes, i’m craving your attention, it’s obvious,
it’s like the goddamn blush on my cheeks, it’s like
the way i catch you staring and duck my head down,
i don’t know what the fuck is happening, i don’t know,
but baby, if it isn’t the finest heat i’d ever felt,
if it isn’t worth the lightning and rain and aftershocks.