awakening

i love the shine on the water,
that the seasons change and the
water’s always moving – a rapid
rush or a glacial glow on top, how
it shines so much it blinds with white,
and it’s all so beautiful, baby, i wish
you were sitting next to me now,
i wish the trees were starting to bloom,
i want the green and the bright
and the shimmering, the skin,
the hardened mud, i want a trail
to be only ours, make our own way,
but that would be forcing it, unnatural
and predisposed if all i need is
to wait, to breathe patiently –
i already feel so much more alive,
i practice temper because i found
a cliff that bruised me that i
could have avoided, i feel completer
without the past being shameful,
i stole time to figure out what i deserved,
even when i itch for bigger adventures,
a broader journey or a good story to
tell, i make the best of what’s
been offered, i can watch this river
flow and touch serenity for seconds,
and it’s true that i feel better
with you, baby, but i am proud
i am no longer empty, or drowning
in this world’s sadness, to know
that i can stand for myself and tell
that sarcastic joke, i like to bring
out the joy for all the ugly my
mouth has spoken, for the tears
i dropped in complaint, i am better
than that girl who tried to die at 16,
i am older than the roots of my nature,
i am spreading out to different planes
and i’d like to take you with me –
i’d like to leave flowers unstepped on
but sometimes it’s hard to avoid,
i’d like my dreams to have a better
ending, but nothing’s ever planned,
all this day knows is itself and
now it’s all i know too.

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tomorrow has no question

i’m getting stoned in it,
a happiness haze,
a hazel highway to drive by with my headphones,
i like to keep it contained in my car,
let the smoke blind me to –
the rest of the world matters more and less,
every matter is broader and wiser,
you matter more than less,
your matter is taking up my brain with space,
let’s talk about space again,
you move and i watch,
we move and i forget,
when the space is gone,
so is my breath,
and i’m not falling, i’m tethered to earth,
i’m grounded and that’s that talk about gravitational waves,
it comes in waves like the hit comes in a blunt,
it comes in waves like we inch closer and closer
through time, let time takes its own times,
people do the same all the time,
people like to look and wonder just like you and i,
people can wonder about you and i, it matters less,
i’ve never felt so warm and important even when
nothing’s really different, it’s just having you there,
it’s the side by side, it’s the matches and how it’s
burning so kindly, it’s that slow fucking burn, baby,
how it stays so hot in my heart even when it’s further,
it’s how it’s taking courage to not let it explode too much,
i’m staying away from ‘love’ but i’m diving into it, i know you
don’t like the water but i’d be swimming to save you,
we’d have to leave the car first, let the smoke out,
and i don’t know why i had doubt come without a permit,
why i thought you were pulling away in the cold,
but it’s the fear, isn’t it? it’s my shaking shoulders
and your teeth grinding, it’s the way i don’t say enough sometimes,
or how you say a lot at once to avoid saying much at all,
i’ve never been wanted this way before, never good and thoughtful,
it’s the way you hesitate before you talk about the past,
it’s the way you reveal i’m beautiful or something kind,
no one wants to scare the other too much, we don’t
want to leave the adventure to go into a house of problems,
i suppose it matters so fucking much, doesn’t it?
so we can just both be idiots together, as long as it’s
together i’d want to go anywhere with you,
i guess it’ll take more courage to let it explode,
to let it break me and heal me in one breath,
i guess there are some laws made to be broken
like sense is made to be broken because it makes
no sense, i’m enamored to night and day because
of their natural beauty, then your eyes met mine and
i’m enamored by how naturally beautiful you really are,
i want to hold the flame gently and tend to it softly,
i want to speak a spirit’s rhyme and sing integrity,
i want to lift us both up without needing wings,
i want these good memories with you forever,
tell me how that’s not terrifying, baby, i’m losing control
of the strings on my heart, slipping from the water,
i don’t care if i replace a logical notion with something better,
if you’re more afraid than i am, if you don’t trust what’s there
and i don’t trust what isn’t, and if i don’t know, then i can’t explain,
and if i love you, then i can’t lie to you, and if you want me,
then you can take what you give to me, and if you miss me,
then i’ll come running to you, and if we’re promising this,
then it will either be honored and fulfilled, or dismissed and bruised,
and if it breaks someone’s heart, then it must have been good,
and if it suddenly matters now, then the later doesn’t really have to,
and if it doesn’t, then god, that’d be some kind of living, wouldn’t it?

lucid

ok so it’s not all rainbows and butterflies,
i often doubt the little details, i don’t trust your
words too much, but the actions, or the things
you remember, the little things you always notice,
i always try to think it’s the only thing that shows it,
ok so maybe i like to think i’m breaking my own heart
somehow, like you’re lying, or your distance sometimes,
the promises you don’t always keep, i don’t know, i don’t know,
baby, it’s starting to feel a little risky, like i can’t see anything else,
i’ve never been so blinded and i still am, oh god, see,
i don’t know, because you’re the most beautiful man
i’ve ever seen, i’m sorry but it’s fucking true,
i was there the whole time looking and dreaming,
and when dreams come true it’s suddenly euphoric,
but i don’t know why, i don’t, it’s startling, unexpected,
it’s because i think you don’t want to stick around,
and it’s the worst thought to have, maybe i’m insane,
because honey, every time i’m with you, i feel
lighter than air, like something’s soaring through the sky,
the Perseid meteor shower, the push of Anteros calling,
and every time you touch me, i feel
like my blood’s on fire, like a wolf wants to howl at long last,
like i couldn’t turn to anything better than this,
and i know it’s been three weeks and i feel like a fool
because i talked everyone’s ear off about you,
and i don’t think you’ve said a word to another soul,
and i don’t think you think the same way i do,
the future is pointed and planned but nothing in the now,
i know we’ve said the little things and kept our hearts open,
i know you’ve bared it and i have too, and the conversations too,
but’s it’s still hot and burning and i’m so fucking sensitive,
so fucking fragile, i’ve been waiting for a love my whole life,
and it’s how i wonder what you do when i’m not with you for
a day, i wish i could fall asleep in your arms, i wish i could
let living not hurt me, or be able to trust easy,
but it’s not true, i couldn’t now and then, i couldn’t now,
especially because i know it matters too much,
that’s why it’s a risk, baby, i – i’ll take it, i will,
and i’ll give and give and give, i’ll bleed and incinerate
the marks you leave on my soul in front of you,
i’ll slow it down, i’ll pluck it one string at a time,
let it echo itself out, i’ll hold the note a second longer,
i can feel it up, i can float sometimes, sure is better
than nothing, sure is what i said about time building
and burning its own bridges on occasion, no matter,
no black hole, no supernova, just keep it casual and fun,
you can be four miles away and i could still
hear you howl back, i’d know where you’re bleeding too,
ok, so people come along with their baggage,
i suppose there’s plenty i have not said to you,
just like you haven’t to me, i guess the past hides itself,
tucks away like a vampire in the alleyway shadow,
only going for the kill at the worst time in the present possible,
i guess history repeats itself, makes up its own game
in the mind to pull you into a maze of circles, fall into the
same patterns, the same structure built for destruction,
so easy to do, to feel like you’re flying when you’re falling
in some deep unknown of love, ok, so it’s kind of love,
i still want to burn up and set myself on flames and be
born again with you, be a phoenix just for a day,
hear you’re falling the same way i am,
seeing even when dreams come true, there’s more dreams
to come and i can’t stop wanting everything, i’m selfish
sometimes, i’m craving your attention, it’s obvious,
it’s like the goddamn blush on my cheeks, it’s like
the way i catch you staring and duck my head down,
i don’t know what the fuck is happening, i don’t know,
but baby, if it isn’t the finest heat i’d ever felt,
if it isn’t worth the lightning and rain and aftershocks.

light

and my phone tells me it’s 13 degrees
hotter outside than the day before,
it’s moving up to spring from the winter,
but you have me shivering, freezing,
still thinking last night in your arms
was warmer than i’d ever been before,
i don’t know how it’s possible,
i don’t know how you make me laugh
all the damn time, i’m flooded with a joy,
it’s precious, and i’m trying to be gentle,
i’m trying to let weights go and float on my own,
but i still felt so cold today without you,
even my body was wondering where you were,
and i could still smell you, all over me and my coat,
driving home the whole way with a smile and silence,
and i know i’ve been feeling a whole lot of love songs,
i’m always singing a painful tune or the cheesy ones,
but there’s still nothing that could describe this to me,
it’s how you fit with me, our bodies, it’s how our heads
want to match up, it’s how we talk and laugh like breathing,
it seems so impossible to find something so wonderful
and i won’t leave, my brain is insane with want and touch,
and that other feeling i haven’t found a name for,
i don’t have to, the cold, the silence, the way
i suddenly think about nothing but you all the time,
it had me thinking you’re the only warmth i’ve touched,
i won’t tell you i won’t be too bare-hearted,
but you’re the only one who’s ever really touched me
with something peaceful, never taken without giving back,
i feel like the wind is knocked out of me sometimes,
i get these waves of emotion that have me too happy,
it’s terrifying all at once, i want it all so much at once,
we should dance someday, play a chess game,
talk some more about space and theories,
i can have my disorganized facts and you can have your
spider knowledge, we could split up a bottle of wine
and show each other’s crazies, make love on a bed one day,
i believe in it, i’m even more patient than you think,
and it’s nice when our lips touch, and then when i’m alone,
sometimes it’s like a battle all over again,
i want to tell my head i know nothing about love at all,
even if that’s true, you keep telling me all about it
in a way i didn’t know until i met you, and good god,
i don’t know what led me to you but
you have me burning a pyre of my sadness,
i’m good at the intense stuff, the rawness,
but in this, in us, peace of mind i’ve been led to,
something pure and worthy to share,
sometimes it’s like,
nothing’s a battle at all,
you can keep giving me tenderness,
you can wash me ashore and back again,
i’m muffled and low but i couldn’t stop.

cave in

it’s like encores to a dream,
follow-ups unexpected, undemanding,
it’s like looking in a cave and
wondering how deep it really goes.
i’m blind to what a lie sounds like
from your lips, i’m covering my eyes
with my hands in hopes you’ll
pull them off yourself,
i don’t know which – if you have
to, i guess you could pull both,
my eyes, my hands, you could have
it all for free, my words, my heart,
i don’t know their value yet,
i don’t know who’s buying, baby,
have i mentioned a dream yet?
there’s a few; you haunt, you leave,
you come back again, it’s real,
it’s freeing, sure, i just didn’t
know i was in a cage, i just
thought you were the same way,
but now i can’t tell who wants
to run away more.
it’s like a cut that won’t bleed,
like melancholia forgot to cry,
my head hurts from confusion and cigarettes,
my heart from your silence,
your quiet i didn’t miss.

the morning bird

tell me what speaks louder?
is it four kisses down the left
of my back in that hotel room?
is you speaking of family as a time
excuse even though — and i’m trying,
i’m trying to let the doubts go —
i believe you to be a better man?
are you that man from the first
time you touched me, to the one who
called me beautiful, to the one today
who i can’t fucking tell is lying or not?
are you the one still hiding somehow,
and practicing actual respect but
remaining withdrawn for reasons i don’t
think i could ever really know?
the way you don’t know mine, they scream,
the emotions push and pull like the tide
and i’ve heard many sirens before but
nothing like your voice, your skin, and god,
your eyes when they’re with mine, even
your taste, the fucking cologne, the
touches, what more do i need to say
for you to know i’m already addicted?
but i want to switch it back to you,
so tell me how you speak louder?
is it your evasion of detail or are
you even quieter than i am, baby?
is it you pointing out the rosy future
and never moving to walk there?
come on, i thought you were the one
for adventure, is it more than
just fucking under a bridge by the river?
is it trusting me to give you
some other kind of spontaneity?
is it more than just late night
inconvenience to you, i say too much,
but you always are the first thing
i think about in the morning, i hear it
from you too every day, isn’t it habitual?
is it me only wanting you when it’s life
that makes things inconvenient?
tell me what speaks louder?
i try so hard to trust
the touches and not all of the words,
maybe because i’m a fool, or because
i thought “oh fuck” the moment
i first saw you, in the best way
possible, then it’s as if i saw you
as the best way to go possible,
like there was no other fucking
choice or direction, i’ve been looking
all over for something to feel like this.
even when it hurts, it hurts good,
like lightning and elation and misery
wrapped up in your warm arms,
and i mean my heart, the journey,
the bullshit and the people left to handle.
or is it those four kisses down
the left side of my back, under the
moon tattoo, over the talking and the
stories you told me about your life,
the ink on your skin, is it the way i look
at you or the way you look at me?
and i still don’t know which speaks
louder, but i’m not going anywhere
until i’ve found something, cause i’m
so sure i’ve already found the right road,
something calling me, something worth it,
right now i just wanna drive sitting beside you,
someday, please, tell me if you ever figure it out.

shaken

oh baby, it’s happening, isn’t it?
i guess it’s still feeling like fire when
your fingertips brush my back
when you slither by, i guess it’s
like those memories do return,
i guess it doesn’t fucking matter
cause we’re gonna make more of them.

you called me your girl three times
today and dropped the summer weather
in conversation multiple times, it’s so
subtle but it’s there, the clues, i like
the way i have to read between the
lines to figure it out for once that
you’re not going anywhere,
not anytime soon and oh baby,
you don’t even know i’ve never
had that, i don’t hope too much
because my mother told me it comes
with a pricey cost but she still
thinks now’s not the time to listen to her,
cause what other time is there for love?

and it’s cosmic too, i looked up the aries,
the name, i searched and searched for answers,
i found nothing concrete, only my imagination,
how you spark it alive again everyday, invigorating,
and how i made the bracelet, half-way finished
strings that were left lonely for months,
and then you showed up in my life, randomly,
i felt like creating, i felt life, i pined and twined them,
i thought it’d be left again to dust on my shelf,
but it’s hopeful, it’s right, and tonight i knew it’d be fine,
no big deal, but here’s a commitment made with
your two favorite colors, and did destiny do that too?
did i miss a comet flying over our heads
because i was too busy staring at you?

look, i’m still waiting for the rough, the work
i’m gonna give to compromise and trust,
but you’re making it so smooth and easy,
touching me so nice and real and nothing
else ever matters, i think i should read
this book to the end, no more half-ways,
half-there, half into it, half insane about it,
half in love with you, i think it’s full to the brim.
i think we should have a beer and laugh
and make out on a couch with the movie on,
i think i should meet your mom, your symbols
of respect and your heart and maybe i think
you should be here with me all the time.
so i’m in bliss, i’m good, honey, i like where it’s
headed and i’m comfortable, weightless,
when you wrap your arms around me i
get these warm chills i never could explain,
things i never reached before, never could
learn to love with time, and a lack of words,
never until you. it’s finally a shiver i can’t complain
about, something that makes me keep my mouth open,
shake my world some more, mark me up some way,
i really don’t mind, i already know it’s happening, isn’t it?