lucid

ok so it’s not all rainbows and butterflies,
i often doubt the little details, i don’t trust your
words too much, but the actions, or the things
you remember, the little things you always notice,
i always try to think it’s the only thing that shows it,
ok so maybe i like to think i’m breaking my own heart
somehow, like you’re lying, or your distance sometimes,
the promises you don’t always keep, i don’t know, i don’t know,
baby, it’s starting to feel a little risky, like i can’t see anything else,
i’ve never been so blinded and i still am, oh god, see,
i don’t know, because you’re the most beautiful man
i’ve ever seen, i’m sorry but it’s fucking true,
i was there the whole time looking and dreaming,
and when dreams come true it’s suddenly euphoric,
but i don’t know why, i don’t, it’s startling, unexpected,
it’s because i think you don’t want to stick around,
and it’s the worst thought to have, maybe i’m insane,
because honey, every time i’m with you, i feel
lighter than air, like something’s soaring through the sky,
the Perseid meteor shower, the push of Anteros calling,
and every time you touch me, i feel
like my blood’s on fire, like a wolf wants to howl at long last,
like i couldn’t turn to anything better than this,
and i know it’s been three weeks and i feel like a fool
because i talked everyone’s ear off about you,
and i don’t think you’ve said a word to another soul,
and i don’t think you think the same way i do,
the future is pointed and planned but nothing in the now,
i know we’ve said the little things and kept our hearts open,
i know you’ve bared it and i have too, and the conversations too,
but’s it’s still hot and burning and i’m so fucking sensitive,
so fucking fragile, i’ve been waiting for a love my whole life,
and it’s how i wonder what you do when i’m not with you for
a day, i wish i could fall asleep in your arms, i wish i could
let living not hurt me, or be able to trust easy,
but it’s not true, i couldn’t now and then, i couldn’t now,
especially because i know it matters too much,
that’s why it’s a risk, baby, i – i’ll take it, i will,
and i’ll give and give and give, i’ll bleed and incinerate
the marks you leave on my soul in front of you,
i’ll slow it down, i’ll pluck it one string at a time,
let it echo itself out, i’ll hold the note a second longer,
i can feel it up, i can float sometimes, sure is better
than nothing, sure is what i said about time building
and burning its own bridges on occasion, no matter,
no black hole, no supernova, just keep it casual and fun,
you can be four miles away and i could still
hear you howl back, i’d know where you’re bleeding too,
ok, so people come along with their baggage,
i suppose there’s plenty i have not said to you,
just like you haven’t to me, i guess the past hides itself,
tucks away like a vampire in the alleyway shadow,
only going for the kill at the worst time in the present possible,
i guess history repeats itself, makes up its own game
in the mind to pull you into a maze of circles, fall into the
same patterns, the same structure built for destruction,
so easy to do, to feel like you’re flying when you’re falling
in some deep unknown of love, ok, so it’s kind of love,
i still want to burn up and set myself on flames and be
born again with you, be a phoenix just for a day,
hear you’re falling the same way i am,
seeing even when dreams come true, there’s more dreams
to come and i can’t stop wanting everything, i’m selfish
sometimes, i’m craving your attention, it’s obvious,
it’s like the goddamn blush on my cheeks, it’s like
the way i catch you staring and duck my head down,
i don’t know what the fuck is happening, i don’t know,
but baby, if it isn’t the finest heat i’d ever felt,
if it isn’t worth the lightning and rain and aftershocks.

light

and my phone tells me it’s 13 degrees
hotter outside than the day before,
it’s moving up to spring from the winter,
but you have me shivering, freezing,
still thinking last night in your arms
was warmer than i’d ever been before,
i don’t know how it’s possible,
i don’t know how you make me laugh
all the damn time, i’m flooded with a joy,
it’s precious, and i’m trying to be gentle,
i’m trying to let weights go and float on my own,
but i still felt so cold today without you,
even my body was wondering where you were,
and i could still smell you, all over me and my coat,
driving home the whole way with a smile and silence,
and i know i’ve been feeling a whole lot of love songs,
i’m always singing a painful tune or the cheesy ones,
but there’s still nothing that could describe this to me,
it’s how you fit with me, our bodies, it’s how our heads
want to match up, it’s how we talk and laugh like breathing,
it seems so impossible to find something so wonderful
and i won’t leave, my brain is insane with want and touch,
and that other feeling i haven’t found a name for,
i don’t have to, the cold, the silence, the way
i suddenly think about nothing but you all the time,
it had me thinking you’re the only warmth i’ve touched,
i won’t tell you i won’t be too bare-hearted,
but you’re the only one who’s ever really touched me
with something peaceful, never taken without giving back,
i feel like the wind is knocked out of me sometimes,
i get these waves of emotion that have me too happy,
it’s terrifying all at once, i want it all so much at once,
we should dance someday, play a chess game,
talk some more about space and theories,
i can have my disorganized facts and you can have your
spider knowledge, we could split up a bottle of wine
and show each other’s crazies, make love on a bed one day,
i believe in it, i’m even more patient than you think,
and it’s nice when our lips touch, and then when i’m alone,
sometimes it’s like a battle all over again,
i want to tell my head i know nothing about love at all,
even if that’s true, you keep telling me all about it
in a way i didn’t know until i met you, and good god,
i don’t know what led me to you but
you have me burning a pyre of my sadness,
i’m good at the intense stuff, the rawness,
but in this, in us, peace of mind i’ve been led to,
something pure and worthy to share,
sometimes it’s like,
nothing’s a battle at all,
you can keep giving me tenderness,
you can wash me ashore and back again,
i’m muffled and low but i couldn’t stop.

cave in

it’s like encores to a dream,
follow-ups unexpected, undemanding,
it’s like looking in a cave and
wondering how deep it really goes.
i’m blind to what a lie sounds like
from your lips, i’m covering my eyes
with my hands in hopes you’ll
pull them off yourself,
i don’t know which – if you have
to, i guess you could pull both,
my eyes, my hands, you could have
it all for free, my words, my heart,
i don’t know their value yet,
i don’t know who’s buying, baby,
have i mentioned a dream yet?
there’s a few; you haunt, you leave,
you come back again, it’s real,
it’s freeing, sure, i just didn’t
know i was in a cage, i just
thought you were the same way,
but now i can’t tell who wants
to run away more.
it’s like a cut that won’t bleed,
like melancholia forgot to cry,
my head hurts from confusion and cigarettes,
my heart from your silence,
your quiet i didn’t miss.

the morning bird

tell me what speaks louder?
is it four kisses down the left
of my back in that hotel room?
is you speaking of family as a time
excuse even though — and i’m trying,
i’m trying to let the doubts go —
i believe you to be a better man?
are you that man from the first
time you touched me, to the one who
called me beautiful, to the one today
who i can’t fucking tell is lying or not?
are you the one still hiding somehow,
and practicing actual respect but
remaining withdrawn for reasons i don’t
think i could ever really know?
the way you don’t know mine, they scream,
the emotions push and pull like the tide
and i’ve heard many sirens before but
nothing like your voice, your skin, and god,
your eyes when they’re with mine, even
your taste, the fucking cologne, the
touches, what more do i need to say
for you to know i’m already addicted?
but i want to switch it back to you,
so tell me how you speak louder?
is it your evasion of detail or are
you even quieter than i am, baby?
is it you pointing out the rosy future
and never moving to walk there?
come on, i thought you were the one
for adventure, is it more than
just fucking under a bridge by the river?
is it trusting me to give you
some other kind of spontaneity?
is it more than just late night
inconvenience to you, i say too much,
but you always are the first thing
i think about in the morning, i hear it
from you too every day, isn’t it habitual?
is it me only wanting you when it’s life
that makes things inconvenient?
tell me what speaks louder?
i try so hard to trust
the touches and not all of the words,
maybe because i’m a fool, or because
i thought “oh fuck” the moment
i first saw you, in the best way
possible, then it’s as if i saw you
as the best way to go possible,
like there was no other fucking
choice or direction, i’ve been looking
all over for something to feel like this.
even when it hurts, it hurts good,
like lightning and elation and misery
wrapped up in your warm arms,
and i mean my heart, the journey,
the bullshit and the people left to handle.
or is it those four kisses down
the left side of my back, under the
moon tattoo, over the talking and the
stories you told me about your life,
the ink on your skin, is it the way i look
at you or the way you look at me?
and i still don’t know which speaks
louder, but i’m not going anywhere
until i’ve found something, cause i’m
so sure i’ve already found the right road,
something calling me, something worth it,
right now i just wanna drive sitting beside you,
someday, please, tell me if you ever figure it out.

shaken

oh baby, it’s happening, isn’t it?
i guess it’s still feeling like fire when
your fingertips brush my back
when you slither by, i guess it’s
like those memories do return,
i guess it doesn’t fucking matter
cause we’re gonna make more of them.

you called me your girl three times
today and dropped the summer weather
in conversation multiple times, it’s so
subtle but it’s there, the clues, i like
the way i have to read between the
lines to figure it out for once that
you’re not going anywhere,
not anytime soon and oh baby,
you don’t even know i’ve never
had that, i don’t hope too much
because my mother told me it comes
with a pricey cost but she still
thinks now’s not the time to listen to her,
cause what other time is there for love?

and it’s cosmic too, i looked up the aries,
the name, i searched and searched for answers,
i found nothing concrete, only my imagination,
how you spark it alive again everyday, invigorating,
and how i made the bracelet, half-way finished
strings that were left lonely for months,
and then you showed up in my life, randomly,
i felt like creating, i felt life, i pined and twined them,
i thought it’d be left again to dust on my shelf,
but it’s hopeful, it’s right, and tonight i knew it’d be fine,
no big deal, but here’s a commitment made with
your two favorite colors, and did destiny do that too?
did i miss a comet flying over our heads
because i was too busy staring at you?

look, i’m still waiting for the rough, the work
i’m gonna give to compromise and trust,
but you’re making it so smooth and easy,
touching me so nice and real and nothing
else ever matters, i think i should read
this book to the end, no more half-ways,
half-there, half into it, half insane about it,
half in love with you, i think it’s full to the brim.
i think we should have a beer and laugh
and make out on a couch with the movie on,
i think i should meet your mom, your symbols
of respect and your heart and maybe i think
you should be here with me all the time.
so i’m in bliss, i’m good, honey, i like where it’s
headed and i’m comfortable, weightless,
when you wrap your arms around me i
get these warm chills i never could explain,
things i never reached before, never could
learn to love with time, and a lack of words,
never until you. it’s finally a shiver i can’t complain
about, something that makes me keep my mouth open,
shake my world some more, mark me up some way,
i really don’t mind, i already know it’s happening, isn’t it?

here, hear the bold

tear it all apart,
i’m a fast firing cylinder right to your chest
and i’m aiming for it all, i want to feel your heart,
and honey i didn’t say this was a bullet yet
but you’re reading it all wrong, i want to be let in,
open it all and tear it all apart and give me each
tiny piece possible, tell me you think the shadows
by the river look like two soldiers jumping out of here,
and ask me what i see, i said the grooves on the bridge
made me think of a castle, i didn’t say you looked like
a breath of peace or heaven to me yet, the door’s still locked
but i know i know you’re shooting out sparks too
like you can’t help it and it’s nothing we ever planned,
and i swear it gets too hot in here, and cold out there,
i shake from the chilled breeze of march wind
and you become a hotbox of arms for me,
it’s stupid, maddening passion that i never thought –
no i really didn’t think i’d find someone like you,
i like that i make you laugh, the rest of the world
becomes too much like a nighttime dream the next
morning, but surrealism at its fantastical silence,
i think we could be something intense and
maybe even the sunrise kind of beautiful,
the way you talk to me and i forget where
we were supposed to be going, it’s that
adventure i heard you mention, the wanderlust,
so really, i promise if you wear your past on
your skin i’ve been scarred by life in ways
i have yet to show but i only want you to
let me in, adventures have to first begin,
my spirit is curious about all this in common,
all this seduction, the way nothing’s ever
gone wrong yet, how we keep it careful is
the same as telling me we both don’t understand
as much as we wish to think we do, and even
if i feel like you were the one who steered at first,
i’m the one who rushed it forward, higher speed,
if it’s suddenly dangerous,
you know what you have to lose,
it’s always been that way, life clarifies
itself all the time, you are my instant connection,
my soul searching temptation, i love hearing
your stories, i just want to hear them
all the time, baby, i adore that laugh
it’s like i finally did something right;
i know it’s easier to have a predilection
to knowing what could break if handled wrong,
if it tilts to the left five degrees too quick
i worry it could all slip away too and
we would have to tuck the pieces under
our belts, our working to make ends meet,
the ugly red t-shirts, and no one wants that,
not even the arrows struck down to be cruel,
love can never be, natural, like lightning, fuck,
don’t you dare forget that storm we saw,
nothing happens everyday, it’s not what’s
there to blame, it’s what’s there to absolve,
it’s what makes it seem brutal that we might
have to work for this too, but i promise, if there’s
one thing i can make good on in the patience i tried for,
it’s that i love the way you make me feel,
the way i can try to make you feel too,
and i’m probably going to love you
and i think i could hit the mark, all this waiting
for the right position and the right words,
i think you hit the mark, i’m not even bleeding,
i’m just laughing along with you,
it’s like a great joke we keep hearing
that’s grateful to joy itself for life throwing it
my way, my waiting, myself,
i finally don’t feel so alone, i don’t consider
making this centric, i always take what
you give with a gratitude you’re unaware of,
and the respect you return used to be
unfathomable to the careless likes of me,
so i wouldn’t say destiny did this to me,
i’d say i knew it first but i had to give it a name,
i dreamt in my sleep last night and heard it,
i heard something roar, it was your name,
something that has always meant lion-hearted.
so now can’t you tell what i’m aiming for?

chess bet

if i had known we were playing a game,
i would’ve followed the rules better,
i try to do good and right by people,
i try to forgive what’s happened in the past,
either to you, me, someone else’s bad day,
i try to detach by thinking what i say is
what i can do for you, how to keep
playing, but i missed a move,
and you knocked down the last safety
piece i had to protect it all, so
how am i supposed to trust you now,
when your words don’t match your actions,
when you say you think about me but mean my body,
so how am i supposed to trust you now?
and why give at all if you don’t want
to take too much at once, why do
you let me think i’m winning and
then kill the knight that quickly?
i thought we were on the same side,
looking at the same half moon, knowing the same
half truth and letting it hang there,
letting me think we had the rest of the
phases to figure it out, and let it
spin again and again before i had to cry,
but it’s the same old shit, same old moves,
i can see it’s a losing game now but it’s
too late, i already sacrificed the queen,
it’s too late, i already took what you gave
and kept it, just for me and memories, it’s too late,
you already knew your play from the start,
rehearsed it, had “beautiful” scripted
until i believed it, until i let you use it,
it was on repeat and now it’s embedded
itself somewhere special, even i can’t
find it and pry it out with muddy hands,
i don’t even know if i would give it back to you,
now i just know it was an easy play –
the affection, the compliments, i swallowed it up,
you’ve seen me hungry and burned and bleeding,
purple bags of misery under my eyelids,
sweat beads on my forehead, yawn on my lips,
i swallowed it up, baby, tell me, who wouldn’t?
at least i know ahead of time i’ll have to pay for
this somehow, i just keep wondering how
high you’re gonna make the stakes.